How it was to Visit Places Where Being Queer is Considered Criminal
With Pride Month nearing an end, we have been thinking about some of our experiences we had, in countries where being LGBTQIA+ is actually against the law. Here's how we found it to be Queer in both Malaysia and Sri Lanka - the two countries we visited where being our authentic selves could land us in jail.
Something we hadn't considered too much before we headed out on our travels, was how it'd feel to be in a country where being part of the LGBTQIA+ community was illegal. We kind of just thought it'd be fine because we aren't exactly the most PDA couple anyway, and we could just book double/twin rooms as “friends”.
Well, it turns out we were rather naive to think like this, because it was emotionally a fair bit harder than we anticipated. I think we had overlooked the fact we'd be making pretty close connections with people during our travels, and having to hide such a large part of our identities was quite draining.
For some reason, a lot of people in Asia are obsessed with knowing whether or not you're married and want to know so much about you which can be quite endearing, but when you have to lie continuously for fear of imprisonment, then it quickly becomes a conversation you dread having.
For context, two of the countries we visited, many aspects (if not all) of being part of the LGBTQIA+ rainbow is illegal; Those countries are Malaysia and Sri Lanka.
To break it up, here we are in a country where this side of ourselves is celebrated: Ireland
The Laws
Malaysia
In Malaysia, the law on homosexuality hasn't changed since the British Colonial Ruling back in the early 1800’s. Being gay in Malaysia could see you in prison for up to 20 years. I know we were excited to travel for an extended period, but even for us, that's too long to spend away from home! According to my source, Equaldex, these laws are rarely enforced, but as there's no protection for LGBTQIA+ people, it isn't something we felt was worth the risk.
Sri Lanka
Apparently, these laws are enforced more in Sri Lanka, as my source, Equaldex, states “Human Rights Watch and Equal Ground have found evidence of these laws continuing to be enforced by police as of 2020”. In Sri Lanka, the law also came from the Brits in the 1800’s, and the potential punishment is up to 10 years behind bars.
Our Experiences
As I said earlier, it was quite hard when forming deeper connections, to keep the wall up and keep this part of our lives private - especially when one of the main topics of conversation when you first meet people, is relationship status. Malaysia was only the second country in Asia we'd visited, and we were excited to get to know new people and learn about their culture as well as share what we could of ours, too.
One of the first places we stayed, was Bako National Park, where we had a guide called Joe for three days. Joe was so lovely, that at the end of the guided tour, he even took us over to his own village, and showed us around. We saw the local school, mosque, small independently run shops and even his own house. It was amazing to be in a place where there were zero other tourists, and seeing peoples' faces light up as we waved and said hello to them. But here we were, like what felt like fraudsters, hiding a massive part of us while he walked us around his village with his heart on his sleeve; no walls and no secrets.
Following that trip, we were in Kuching for a whole week in a lovely apartment we'd rented, and therefore ended up going to the same bar quite a few times. In the bar, we got to know two members of staff in particular, and had some great times with them. Whether they were doing karaoke, dancing, sharing snippets of their culture, or just generally hanging out with us at our table, they always made us feel so welcome and we always had a great laugh with them.
We decided to keep up the story that we were just travelling as besties, and they didn't seem to ask too many questions… But then it was the night before we were due to fly to Thailand, and Tora had left the bar early (uncharacteristically sensible) but I decided to stay. One of the lads we'd been hanging out with asked me outright if Tora and I were a couple, and I automatically lied and said no. I could see he didn't believe me, but I just stuck with the story anyway. The worry I had, was that if we befriended someone who believed in their heart that being Queer is categorically wrong, then no amount of good chats and laughs over the course of just a week, is going to change their mind. Also, if they did feel so strongly about it, how do I know they couldn't just call the police and get us arrested? This is quite an extreme thought, but I've never been anywhere that it's illegal, and therefore I have no idea what the prosecution process looks like, nor could I be arsed with finding out the hard way.
HOWEVER, a few shots later, and we were all opening up to each other more and more about quite personal topics, I decided with some Dutch courage, to come out and admit my filthy secret. The one who asked me kind of giggled and said he knew it, and the other one we were close with, just said “it's ok”. They went on to say that the Malaysian part of Borneo (where we were), is a lot more tolerant and all the laws are a lot more relaxed than on the mainland; especially in Kuala Lumpur.
It was such a relief to hear the lads' points of view on the topic, and it reassured me that I wasn't walking around the country with ‘’Criminal’ written across my forehead, but it still wasn't something I'd be making a habit of sharing going forward. Thankfully, our next destination was Thailand where everyone from all kinds of backgrounds are embraced and people seem free to express themselves and live authentically.
Sri Lanka was the next place we went where being gay is illegal. This came as a shock, because we went to Sri Lanka after India, where it is actually legal. We immediately found the people in Sri Lanka to be so welcoming and friendly, and our first destination was a surfing town where it felt so liberal and we got chatting to a lot of people. In particular, we made friends with one surfer who started off quite sweet, but as the night went on, he took a bit of an interest in Tora. Nothing really sinister, but when we were saying our goodbyes, he did sneak a kiss on Tora's neck which was a bit off-putting. At times like that, I feel that it's harsh to have such laws, because then we're lying and saying we're single, which to some (mainly men), gets lost in translation, and what they hear is “we're interested in you”.
Another time this happened, was when we decided to go off the beaten path once I acquired my tuktuk license, and rented one for a couple of weeks. We thought it'd be a perfect opportunity to venture out on roads less travelled, and hopefully spot some wild elephants. Spoiler alert: we didn't. We did find a beautiful hotel called Passi Nature Villas Pasikuda, but unfortunately our lovely experience was short-lived due to the member of staff who was on-shift while we were there.
It was low season when we were there, so we were the only guests, and there were some renovations going on, but it was set in such a tranquil location and the worker seemed lovely at first - he couldn't do enough for us; showing us the beach, explaining his plans for the expansion of the villas, even brought us some fresh coconuts for us to drink while we chilled out on our terrace. On the second day, he suggested we have some drinks with him in the evening and we didn't see any reason why not. He was only in his mid-twenties, and we thought it'd be fun to get to know him and learn some more about his life/general life in Sri Lanka.
Well, the evening came and he offered to give me a lift on his scooter to the bar to pick up some beers. I agreed, because that's just how people get around in Asia, and it's normal to jump on the back of someone's bike to nip to the shop.
However, things started to turn a bit sour. I was holding the handles at the back of my seat, and he told me to put my hands on his shoulders. I said I was ok the way I was and he said the road is bumpy, so I trusted him and just placed my hands on his shoulders. The next thing, was when we got to the bar, he told me to hold his hand. I asked why (and obviously didn't hold his hand) - and he paraded me through the bar saying “this is my girlfriend”. Mortified, I just tried to laugh it off and told people he was crazy. We got back to the hotel, and I gave Tora the eyes and said there's something not right with him. We had a beer together and I thought he might get the hint that I'm not interested if I just carried on with platonic conversation, played some cards, and gave him no hints whatsoever that I was interested in him. It didn't work. In fact, I went to the kitchen area to get myself another beer and he followed me in, and started shouting “why didn't you hold my hand in the bar?!” I said I had no reason to hold your hand! Why did you want me to? He wouldn't answer, and instead kept insisting that I should have held his hand when he asked. I argued back and swiftly left. He was following me asking if I was angry at him, and I told him I was because that was absolutely out of order. Anyway, he sat with us (God knows why he thought he was still welcome at the table), and his personality shifted again. He was back to being calm and chatty, the way he was at the very start. We continued to play cards, but then he randomly started touching my hair and telling me I had nice lips, etc. Feeling uncomfortable, I shrugged him off and tried to divert his attention back to the game. I think his ego was hurt, because he was slamming the cards down on the table and slamming his beer down whenever he had a drink. We decided enough was enough, and told him we were going to bed because he was making us uncomfortable.
In the morning, he did apologise, but said he was just being friendly. When I argued that he was behaving inappropriately, and it was definitely more than friendly, he called his male friend over. He then tried to demonstrate how he hugs his friends, etc. I told him to tell his friend that he had nice lips, or ask him to hold his hands. The embarrassment radiating from both of them was quite hilarious, because I felt I'd finally managed to show that he was being more than “friendly”.
I scooted out the vicinity on the tuktuk while Tora dealt with him for payment, etc. and ended up getting that night for free because he knew he was out of order. Quite bloody right, I say. We weren't going to pay for it regardless.
All of this could have been avoided though, if only it was legal to be Queer in Sri Lanka and therefore express that we were in a relationship together. I know 100% that if I had a boyfriend, and it was the two of us sitting there, none of this would have happened. It is so frustrating that not only is it not enough to just say no, and have it accepted, but when I do need backup because of this, I can't even say “This is my partner”.
